You Suck: A Love Story Chapter 11~13

Chapter Eleven accordingly, When They Woke UpOh my God, that stuff moody me completely orange.not completely.I front ilk the Great Pumpkin.Good grief, Tommy, you do not.Chapter 12 credit line, Coffee, Sex, Magix Not necessarily in That OrderJust subsequently sun low.They succeeded the cocoa berry dripping off of the filter wishing they were distilling nitroglycerine and the slightest bit of inadvertence aptitude cause an explosion. It tangs au thuslytically well-grounded, Jody state.Its interchangeable I never disc all(prenominal)where it sooner, Tommy say.Youd take it would smell sickening, since its indigestible, Jody said. The make it time shed taken a imbibe of coffee, her lamia system had rejected it so violently that she ended up convulsively dry-heaving on the floor, feeling comparable forks were twisting inside of her.This exponent work, Tommy said. You ready?Ready.He poured a tablespoonful or so of coffee into a glass cup. Then he uncapped angio tensin-converting enzyme of the syringes that held departiams smear and squirted a few drops into the coffee.You first, he said, swishing the cup around in introductory of her.No, you, Jody said. As good as the coffee smelled, the memory of her nausea held her back.Tommy shrugged and threw the coffee back like a tequila shooter, therefore batch the cup mass on the counter.Jody stepped back and snatched a tea towel off the fridge handle in preparation for the coffees return trip. Tommy rolled his look, shuddered, then grabbed his throat and fell to the floor, twitching and choking. Dying, he croaked. Suffering and dying.Jody was manifestfoot and didnt lack to ticket stub her toe, so she pulled the wince to his ribs. You suck, you screw that.Tommy rolled on the floor giggling, curling himself around her foot. It works It works It works He sort of dog-humped her leg in rhythm and tugged at the hem of her robe. You never rich person to be grumpy againJody grinned. Pour cu ps, grommet Full cups.Tommy climbed to his feet. We dont even admit the kin-to-coffee ratio yet.Pour Jody was in the fridge in an instant, grabbing another syringe. Well telephone extension it.The she heard the downstairs door open and spun on her heel. William?Tommy listened to the footfalls approach path up the steps and shook his star. Nope, too light.They could hear the separate fitting into the lock. You said you didnt give her a tombstone, Jody said.I said I didnt give her a key to the bedroom, Tommy said. master copy overspill, theres a stinky come in of work guy with a commodious scour on your overturning, said Abby standard as she came with the door.THE CHRONICLES OF ABBY NORMAL Dedi eructed Servant of the Vampyre binge I have been to the hide aside of the vampyre gorge. I am part of the coven Kinda. Okay, back up. So I like slept till eleven, because were on Christmas break, exclusively its called winter break now because the Naz atomic number 18ne is A N OPPRESSIVE ZOMBIE BASTARD AND WE DO NOT BOW downcast TO HIS BIRTHDAY At least not at Allen Ginsberg High School, we dont. (Go, rubbish Beatniks) only when its all good, cause Im going to have to fasten use to constrictting up later if Im going to be a fauna of the nighttime.So, like first subject, I made whatsoever toast, and it burned, as melanise as my soul, and I was so bummed that my tears of despair fell like cold bits of crystal, to be destroyed on the unforgiving rocks of this miserable life. precisely then I saw that Mom had left a xx proscribed on the counter with a noteAllison (Allison is my day-slave name my mammary gland named me after whatsoever call by slightly Elvis guy, so I totally refuse to accept it), heres your lunch money, and please geological period at Walgreens and pick up some RID shampoo for Ronnies head lice. (Veronica is my baby, who is twelve and a total tumor on the ass of my existence.)So, I was like, Sweet StarbucksIt took forever to pick what I was going to wear, and not estimable because Id never take ined an apartment in advance. The lightbulb burned step up in my cupboard and we didnt have any extras, so I had to take e trulything turn up in the living room to look at it in the light. same(p) the song says, I wear raw on the outside to reflect the opprobrious I feel on the inside, exclude OMG, its impossible to give out one thing from another in a dark closet. Since it was going to be a business thing, I decided on my striped tights with my red PVC mini, my skull-and-crossbones hoodie, and my lime Converse All Stars. I went with provided a plain stud in my nose, a barbell in my eyebrow, and a simple silver ring in my lip understated and elegant. I carried my hot-pink biohazard messenger bag.Ronnie was all, I wanna come with you, I wanna come with you, only I pointed out that she was a scourge on humanity and that if she came on I would mark everyone on the bus she had lice, so she ele cted to die hard home and watch toons. It was then that I ventured into the undis dorsumed country, and called the number that the vampyre Flood had given me.And the woman was totally a bitch.She was like, Hello. Blah Blah shoes Management.And I was like, I command to rent an apartment.And she was all, How many bedrooms and did you have an welkin in mind?And I was all, Whats with all the questions, bitch? Are you some mixed bag of judgement police or something?And she was like, Im solely try to help.Right, help. Like tuberculosis.So shes all, I beg your pardon, like the queen of freakin France or something.And then I remembered that I was supposed to ask for a specific person, so I was like, Oh, I urgency to speak to Alicia DeVries, Is she there?And the bitch machine-accessible me.So it turns out that Alicia DeVries is this crusty hippie who is like as old as my grandma, merely wants to be all Earth vex and everything, which Im not against, because old hippies have the best pot and theyll just give it to you if you pretend not to notice that theyre crusty and old. So Alicia picks me up in her crust-mobile rainbow repose-and-love Jeep CJ and I give her the requirements of the vampyre Flood, which were bedroom with no windows, a washer and dryer, private entrance with lockout, and, at least above the background signal floor, windows looking at down on the highway.And shes all, We have to have a kindly Security number and drivers license number for the paperwork you have to be eighteen.So Im, My client will provide all the information you lease, its just that hes very busy and dopet deal with pissant details during the day. Then I waved the cash that Flood gave me and she went all spacey, overmeditated, namaste on me, like its not about the money when its sincerely about the money. Then she takes me to this loft, which it turns out is only like a one-half a block from the ad reduce where Flood said to meet him at sundown. SweetSo Im all, Exc ellent, the victor will be pleased.And shes like, Ill make you out a receipt.Then she starts to lecture me about respecting myself as a woman, and not allowing myself to be subjugated to the desires of an older man and shit like Im this collective fuck-puppet for some creepy businessman or something. I didnt want her to pass away suspicious and try to rescue me, so Im like, No, you misunderstand, I call him the master because hes the sensei of my jujitsu dojo hes not boning me or anything.Luckily I have an prominent martial-arts background from watching anime with Jared and I k parvenue that one must never bone the sensei.So she like r all(prenominal)es over and pats my knee. All, Thats hunky-dory, sweetheart.And Im like, Step off, rug-muncher I mean, Im as bi as the next person, but not with some crusty old hippie I need music and some X, and then only if some guy has rejected me and thrown my heart into the gutter like an abandoned ve purportarian burrito and even then I draw the bend at making out.So she gave me the keys and took my money and just, like, left me there. So I called Lily, who came over with a two-liter of Diet Green Tea, a bag of high mallow Newts (I still hadnt had breakfast), and some book she found called The Big Book of Death. So we looked at the book, which is this how-to thing with great art, and drank tea and ate Cheese Newts until she had to go to work. I trea trustedd to consecrate her about the vampyre Flood, but I promised that I would keep his secret, so all I told her was that I had discovered my unlighted captain, and he would soon satisfy my every desire and I couldnt tell her anything else. So she was all, whatever, ho, which is what I like about her Lily is trs noir.So I straitsed over to the Sony Metreon and watched the flat-screens until it started to bond dark. I was already about ready to pee with skittishness when I got to Floods door, but then, just as I submit my key in the door, this big Hummer lim o pulls up, and these three college-age guys climb out followed by this blue woman in a silver dress with ginormous fake boobs. And theyre all, Where is Flood? We need to align Flood? And shes all, Where did you get the key? You need to let us in before it gets dark.Im not f just field because I neck that her boobs are fake. And its so obvious that they hunt the nosferatu that its not even funny. Inside, I was like Ha, suck my spiky rubber strap-on, vampyre huntsmanBut on the outside I was totally chill. And Im like, I dont know who youre speeching about. This is my apartment. Then I opened the door and inside, lying on the landing, theres this dead guy with a vast bald cat in a red sweater on his chest. And the cat hissed at me and I screamed just a detailed bit and slammed the door. You have to go, I said. My confrere is naked and he gets mad if strangers pick up his enormous unit. I looked right at the blue bitch when I said that, like Oh yeah, some of us are confident enough in our own womanhood that we dont need fake tits to get a guy with a huge unit.And the black guy is like, I just talked to Flood here last night.And I was like, Yeah, he croakd.Then the Asian guy checked his watch and was like, Dude, too late, its officially sunset.And it was like it was on cue or something, the cat on the dead guy let out a pine scary yowl, and even the blue skank plunk for away toward the limo.Youd improve go now, I said, all ominous and to the full of foreboding and dread.And she was all, Well be back.And I was like, So?So they went. But then I had to get quondam(prenominal) the cat and the dead guy and go up the steps. I have to say, that as much as Im all about the peace of the grave and the glorious gloomth of the nonliving and all, its different when theres a real dead guy you have to walk over, not to mention a really big, angry cat in a sweater.NOTE TO SELF eternally carry Kitty Treats for Self-Defense (because evidently they dont like Skittle s, which I act).Since I didnt have any kitty treats, I got by the preternaturally big-ass cat by opening the door wide and yelling, Hey, kitty, go away often to my amazement, the cat ran out of the doorway and hid under a parked car. It was like I already had vampyre powers to command the Children of the Night. Then I had to get past the dead guy on the landing, which was sort of like dead-guy hopscotch, but I got up the stairs and managed only to step on one of his arms. I was hoping he really was dead, and not one of the nosferatu, because then he efficacy be pissed off when he rose. He certainly smelled dead, the repellent stench of the charnel house emanated from him like a foul miasma of evil, as they say in the books.So I opened the door, and I go, Lord Flood, theres a stinky dead guy with a huge cat on your landing. Thinking that I would get total loyal-servant brownies.Then I saw her, the ancient vampyre mistress her skin like alabaster, or you know, no zits at all, an d she nattermed to glow with inner power. I could see wherefore even a powerful vampyre like Flood might be helpless under her awesome strengths, gathered over the ages by suction the life fall of thousands of helpless victims, probably kids. And she was like, drinking a cup of coffee out of a Garfield mug, as if flaunting her immortality in the face of us petty, insignificant mortals. She had on only a bathrobe, which was partly open in front, so you could see that she had like great cleavage, ancient total skank that she was.So Im like, Hi.And shes like, So, Wednesday, you know Buffys not a real person, right?Bitch.What do you mean, dead? Tommy said. He ran to the door and flung it open. Hes not here. He fireed down the steps in his bare feet, leaving Jody standing across the breakfast bar from Abby. Im going to look for him, Tommy called. The downstairs door closed, the lock clicked.Jody pulled her robe closed when she saw Abby Normal staring. She could hear the misfires hea rt pounding, could see her pulse beating in her neck, could smell nervous sweat, clove cigarettes, and some kind of cheese snack.They stared at each other.I found you an apartment, Mistress, Abby said. She dug into the pocket of her hoodie and came out with a rent receipt.Call me Jody, Jody said.Abby nodded conspiratorially, like she was acknowledging it was only a code name. She was a ingenious kid, in a scary, will-probably-poison-the-dog-and-then-molest-him kind of way. Jody had never really had a hassle with younger women as competition. After all, she was only twenty-six, and with the extreme antiaging treatment shed gained from her vampirism, right down to her baby toes straightening out and every freckle shed ever had disappearing, she matte superior, even a tad maternal toward Abby, who was a little unfit in her red plastic skirt and green sneakers.Im Abby, Abby said, and she curtsied.Jody choked, sprayed coffee out her nose, and turned quickly so as not to laugh in Abby s face.Are you okay, Mistress I mean, Jody?No, Im fine. It was strange just how sensitive the vampire sinus is to hot liquids. Jody was sure that she might never smell anything but bloody French roast again, and her eyes were watering, or so she thought, but when she turned back around, Abby jumped back six feet and yelped.Holy shit Abby had backed against the futon frame and was about to tumble over backwards.Jody was around the breakfast bar, stabilize the miss in less than a tenth of a snatch which caused Abby to jump straight into the air about three feet.Jody could tell the girl was going to fall. Abby was going to come down with one foot on the back of the futon frame, one in midair, and she was going to tumble over and land on her shoulder and head on the hardwood floor. Jody saw this coming, could have caught Abby and set her gently on her feet, but instead, she matte that maternal instinct kick in the realization that if the child didnt take a knock or two, shed neve r learn so Jody stepped back into the kitchen, where she picked up her coffee and watched as the kid hit.Ouch Said Abby, now a black-and-red heap on the floor.Boy, that looked like it hurt, Jody said.Abby was on her feet, limping and rubbing her head. What the fuck, Countess? I thought you had my back.Yeah, sorry, Jody said. Why the freak-out?Theres blood actuatening down your face. I guess it startled me.Jody dabbed at her eyes with the sleeve of her robe, leaving little red spots on the uninfected terry cloth. hearty, would you look at that? She was trying to be casual, trying to spiel like someone four or five hundred age old might behave, but the blood tears were disturbing her more(prenominal) than a little.Change the subject. So, this apartment you found, where is it?Dont you want to wait for Flood? Abby asked.Flood? What Flood?Flood, the orange-colored vampire who just ran out the door.Oh, him, Jody said. Tommy and his tanning lotion. He was out running around on the s treet with no shirt or shoes. Orange. Was he orange?Abby threw out her nearly nonexistent hip. Hello? Youre insistent blood and your partner is orange and you didnt notice? Do you guys get gray over the long time or what?Jody set her cup down on the counter, just to make sure that it didnt shatter in her hand. She drew on her experience working in the claims department at Transamerica, where her immediate supervisor was a complete ass-bag, and it took everything she could do, every minute of the day, not to bang the womans skull repeatedly in a filing drawer. She liked to think of it as her professional face. So instead of snapping Abbys pale little neck, she smiled, counting to ten as she did. At ten, she said, Go get him. Bring him back. Another smile. Okay, sweetie?But why is he orange?The cast off is upon him, Jody said. Every hundred years or so, we shed our skin, and a few weeks prior we turn orange. Its a very dangerous time for us. So please, go adventure him.Abby nodd ed furiously and backed away toward the door. Really?Really, Jody said, nodding gravely. Quick, away with you, the time of the shedding is upon him. She waved toward the door the way she thought a five-hundred-year-old countess might. (Where did the countess thing come from, at any rate?)Right, Abby said, and she took off out the loft door and down the steps after Tommy.Jody went to the bathroom and used a damp washcloth to wash the blood tears off her face. I may actually be evil, she thought. She knew it should nuisance her more, being evil and all, but after she put on a little mascara and some lipstick and poured herself another cup of blood-laced coffee, she found that she was okay with it.Chapter ThirteenMoving DayJody sipped her coffee and sighed, satisfied, like shed just had a gentle coffee orgasm, the sort of pleasurable release you only see bulk have in commercials for froufrou coffee and hemorrhoid cream. This blood-beverage phenomenon added a unit new twist to their lives. A glass of wine? A fast cola possibly wait, screw diet a sugary, teeth-rotting cola. What about solidness food? Sure, being a godlike creature of the night was great, but what about a jelly donut? French fries? She was Irish, she felt a deep-seated need for potatoes. She was musing on the idea of headspring up to McDonalds on Market Street and spooging a syringe full of Williams blood all over a supersized box of deep-fried enlightenment when the phone rang. The caller ID number was blocked, it just said mobile. It might be Tommy. Hed activated the disposable mobile phones theyd bought, but he probably hadnt pen down the numbers.Hey, pumpkin, Jody said.She heard a clattering at the other end of the line. Sorry, I dropped the phone.Oops. Not Tommy. Who is this?Uh, its, uh, its Steve. Im the med student who called you about your condition.Hed found her when shed gone to a Blood Drinkers Anonymous meeting in Japan Town, which turned out to be a bunch of nerds with problem s distinguishing fantasy from reality. Had watched her from a distance and called her on a pay phone from blocks away, ready to jump in his car and bolt if she came near him. He knew what she was.Hed said that he had examined one of the bodies left by the old vampire. Elijah had snapped their necks so the bodies would be found, instead of turning to dust.What do you want?Well, like I said, Im a med student at Berkeley. Actually, Im in research. ingredient therapy.Yeah, next lie, please. Jodys mind was going ninety miles and hour. Too many people knew about her. Maybe she and Tommy should have left town.What lie? Steve asked.Berkeley doesnt have a med school, Jody said. So what do you want?I dont want anything. Ive been trying to tell you, Ive studied the blood of the victims. I think I may be able to reverse your condition. Turn you back. I just need some time in the lab with your blood.Bullshit, Steve. This isnt biology.Yes it is. I told your boyfriend the night you turned him.How did you know?I was on the phone with him when you told him you were going to be unitedly for a very long time.Well, that was rude, just listening like that.Sorry. Ive managed to get cloned cells from the throats of victims to revert to their natural human state.Which is dead, Jody said.No, living cells. I just need to meet with you.Hed pressed this before, and Jody had been willing to meet with him, but unfortunately, while she was sleeping, Tommy had put her in the freezer for a few days and shed missed the appointment. No meeting, Steve. Forget you know anything about this. Youll have to write your dissertation on something else.Well, take my number if you change your mind, okay?He gave her the number and Jody wrote it down.Its a burner cell phone, Steve said, So you cant find me by it.I dont want to find you, Steve.I promise I wont reveal your your condition to anyone, so you dont need to find me.Dont worry, Jody said. I dont want to find you. Get over yourself, she wanted to add.What about the other one you warned me about?Jody looked at the bronze statue that held Elijah Ben Sapir. He wont bother you either.Oh, good.Steve?Yeah?If you tell anyone, Ill find you, and Ill slowly snap every bone in your body before I killing you. Jody tried to make it sound cheerful, but the threat sort of cut through the bright, friendly lilt in her voice.Okay then. Bye.Yeah, Jody said. You take care.The shedding? Tommy said as he came through the door. Jody stood at the counter in her new red leather jacket, boots, and mist-tight black jeans.Jody could hear Abby locking the downstairs door, so they had a few seconds alone.Look, did you want me to tell her you were just a big orange doofus?I guess not. Hey She calls you Flood?I couldnt tell her Tommy. Im her dark lord. Your dark lord cant be named Tommy. Flood has an air of power.And dampness.Yeah, its got the dampness thing going for it, too.Abby came in, breathing hard. Shed been sweating and her eyeliner was running in two black streaks down her cheeks. We didnt find him. I could have sworn he was dead. He smelled like it.You got something against dead people? Jody said tough-guy voice. Are you saying theres something ravish with dead people? Is that what youre saying? Are you saying youre too good for the dead, is that what youre saying?Abby stepped behind Tommy and peeked around. The kid was still out of breath from trying to keep up with Tommy, and now she was frightened, too. No, Mistress, I think the nonliving are great. Im all about dead people. I have a I Fuck the suddenly T-shirt even. I can wear it tomorrow if you want. I didnt meanIts okay, Abby, Jody said, waving it off. Just fucking with you.Jody Tommy said, scolding. Dont scare the minion.Sorry, Jody said, thinking, once again, that she might be evil. What about the new apartment. Did you look at it?We went by it. Its only a few doors down. We dont even have to cross the street.You think thats out-of-the-way(prenominal) enough? They wont find us there?Well, at least they wont find us here. I dont think anyones going to think that wed only move a few doors down. Theyll think weve at least left the City. What kind of idiot would only move a few doors away? Its brilliant. asset an easy move, Jody said. You guys can do it without a truck.You guys?Well, Ive got to find William, and you cant exactly run around until the shedding has subsided. Abby, do you have enough makeup to cover his face and hands?Tons, Abby said. She held up her messenger bag. But I can only help for a little while. I have to get home.Why? Tommy asked. We require your services. He meant to sound sophisticated and European, but it came out sounding lecherous.He means moving, Jody said. Ive got his other services covered.I cant, Abby said. My sister has lice.So, Abby said, the countess is kind of a bitch.No, shes just a dark creature of irritating evil, Tommy said. He had the futon on his back and was making his way down the street as Abby followed him with a lamp in one hand and a liquidiser in the other. In a nice way, he added thinking that maybe hed already made enough of an impression on Abby.Although it was early in the evening, and it was a little unusual to see a guy walkway down the street carrying a futon, followed by a Goth girl carrying a lamp and a blender, it was just unusual enough that people would have felt stupid if they asked what was going on and someone pointed out it was juvenile dance, or performance art, or people robbing an apartment. San Francisco is a city of sophisticates, and except for a homeless guy who remarked on the tackiness of Tommys Pier 1 Imports decor, they had moved half of the furniture and clothing without comment.Do you need to function? Abby asked when they got back to the old loft. They were standing in the living room, where there was little left except some bookcases and the three bronze statues.Huh? Tommy replied.Im guessing that you need to feed, Abby said, pulling her hoodie aside and offering up her neck. And I have to get going. I have to get to Walgreens and catch the bus home before the parental unit goes critical. Go ahead. Im ready.She closed her eyes and started breathing hard, as if bracing for the pain. Take me, Flood. Im ready.Really? Tommy said.Abby opened one eye. Well yeah.Youre sure? Tommy hadnt bitten another woman. He wasnt sure if it might not be cheating. What if the unit of measurement sex thing went off the way it did with Jody? That kind of activity would kill a normal human woman, plus, he was pretty sure that Jody would not approve. Maybe a little from the wrist, Tommy said.Abby opened her eyes and pulled up her sleeve. Of course, so you dont leave the mark of nosferatu. She said it with a hiss nasss sssss fer-a-too like she was speaking snake.Oh, it wont leave any marks, Tommy said. Youll heal up like instantly. He was start to feel the hunger rise in him, he could feel his fangs printing press down from the r oof of his mouth.Really?Oh yeah, Jody bit me almost every night before I changed over, and no one ever noticed down at the store.The store?Oops. The ye olde porridge and leeches store, where I worked, in the ye old days.I thought you were a lord?Well, yeah, I mean, I owned the store, and some serfs, and scullery maids couldnt get enough of the scullery maids but I put in a berth now and then. You know, help to stir the porridge and inventory the leeches. Serfs will steal you finesse if you dont watch them. Well, enough business, lets get to that feeding.He took her wrist and pulled it to his mouth, then stopped. She was looking at him, one eyebrow sort of cocked in the air, and there was a silver ring in it, so it felt more incredulous than a normal eyebrow.He dropped her arm.You know, maybe you should get home before you get in trouble. I wouldnt want my minion on restriction.Abby looked hurt now. But, Lord Flood, have I offended you? Am I not deserving?You were looking at me like you thought I was fucking with you, Tommy said.Werent you?Well no. This is a two-way street, Abby. I cant ask for your loyalty if I dont give you trust in return. He couldnt believe the bullshit that was coming out of his mouth.Oh, okay then.Tomorrow night, Tommy said. Ill bleed you within an inch of your life, I promise. The things you never think youll hear yourself say.Abby rolled down her sleeve. Okay then. Will you be able to get the rest by yourself?Sure. Vampire powers. Duh. He laughed, waving at the heavy bronze statues like they were nothing.You know, Abby said, the man and the tip over are cool, but that woman statue, you should get rid of that. She looks kind of skanky.You think?Abby nodded. Yeah. Maybe theres some church or something that you could donate it to. Like, to show how you dont want your daughter to grow up. Oh, sorry, Lord Flood, I didnt mean to say church.No, Im okay, Tommy said. Ill walk you out.Thanks, Abby said.He followed her downstairs and held th e door to the street, then at the last minute, as she was walking away, she turned and kissed him quickly on the cheek. I love you, Lord Flood, she whispered in his ear. Then she turned and ran up the sidewalk.Tommy felt himself blush. Dead as he was, he felt heat rise in his cheeks. He turned and trudged back up the steps, feeling the full weight of his four, maybe five hundred years of life. He needed to talk to Jody. How long could it take to find one drunk guy with a giant cat?He dug his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed the number of the phone hed given Jody. He could hear it closed chain on the kitchen counter where she had left it.